Had a doctor appointment yesterday. It's not related to my recent mouth issues, it's just time for my checkup. I hate going to the doctor when I'm not sick. What always happens is, the doctor shows me a bunch of numbers that say oh, I actually am sick, very sick indeed. And then he tells me to do a bunch of stuff that makes me feel worse.
Now, I'm not some kind of medical science denier. I know that these numbers do in fact have some relationship to my health. What I don't know is how to make myself take the steps necessary to change them when my lived experience tells me that I feel worse when I do it.
Imagine there's a hot stove in my home. I touch it, I get burned, I learn not to touch it. But a man in a white coat is telling me that I need to touch a special medical stove 3 times a day. It'll feel just like it does when I touch the other stove, but this one actually imparts a special healing burn that will make my chance of contracting Frozen Bone Syndrome drop by 50%. Which sounds like a lot, but actually that just means it drops from 3% to 1.5%. How do I square this with my lived experience? My brain is screaming at me to stop touching the stove. From my body's perspective I'm torturing myself every day for no reason. Even if the doctor is right—and doctors are wrong all the time—is it really worth the drop in quality of life? I don't think it is. If you take this mindset to its logical conclusion, you turn into that creepy rich guy who's ruining his life trying to optimize his "health markers" in pursuit of eternal life (Lily Alexandre recently published an excellent video essay about him).
But of course if I take it to the opposite logical conclusion, I never go to the doctor at all and risk missing some actually important medical information. Health feels like a no-win situation and I don't know how to feel better about it. Just going to the doctor causes me stress, which in my experience is one of the leading causes of my despair. The thing that would actually be best for my physical and mental well-being is a permanent sabbatical from work, and I can't have that. My medical insurance won't pay for me to have shelter, and healthy food, and the time it takes to acquire and prepare it, and adequate rest time. But it'll pay for the drugs that numb me to the fact that I don't have these things. It'll pay for the drugs that make bad health numbers go down so I can be a part of the machine that makes economy numbers go up. Take a drink every time it's capitalism (and you'll be too shit-faced to care.¹)
At least my blood pressure was good. It was 126/86, which isn't perfect, but it's in a healthy range, and considering I've been in pain and have anxiety at the doctor, I think that's pretty damn good. As we all know, blood pressure is the metascore of health. Sure, all the critics are pointing out that I have too many bugs and don't run at an acceptable framerate, but as long as that metascore is above an 80 I still get my year-end bonus.
Oh actually that would be a great way to incentivize me to get my bad health numbers down: give me money for doing it. Then I won't have to believe it's real, I'll see a tangible benefit. I think my "pay people to be healthy" program could be the revolutionary public health initiative the world needs. Mr. Ghebreyesus,² give me a call 🤙
1: Rhetorical advice only, do not take
2: Tedros Ghebreyesus is the Director-General of the World Health Organization
Run For The Border
My spouse came with me to my appointment, because she needed some labs there anyway, but also just to help me remember stuff. Ironically, the closest place to the clinic we could eat is Taco Bell. The only other place in walking distance is a McDonald's. What a country! We picked Taco Bell, the lesser (?) of two evils.
In lieu of hours of operation, there was a sign on the door which says: "Open 'til 4 AM or later! Check online for local hours."
Huh??? Like, I realize Taco Bell is a franchise, different locations are going to have different policies, but like, I'm at this location! There are people physically here who can put a sign up! If corporate doesn't give you a fancy custom decal, write it on a sheet of A4 and tape it up. It's not pretty, but it's information. We shouldn't need to google opening hours for a business we're standing in front of. Anyway, I knew they'd be open cuz we went at like 18h00, but it's the principle of the thing.
They were playing country music on the radio, which sucks, but that's the expectation for the part of the country where I live. But they played one song I kinda liked. Most modern country is bad, but some pop-country is so poppy that it's barely recognizable as country, which probably isn't popular among the core fan base but to me, it's an improvement.
I shazam'd it and learned that the song is What You Want Me To Do by Phillip Andrew Buckle. This surprised me, because the vocalist doesn't sound like someone who would have that name. They sound more like a Phillipa or Philomena. I searched around a little more, and other sources give the name of the artist as Vitamin A. The album art doesn't give an artist name, just the title of the album, Hits and Pieces. It also has the word "vocals" on it, which leads me to believe this is a fictional group who only makes music to play in restaurants, and they provide both vocal and instrumental mixes depending on the ambiance you're looking for. Phillip Buckle might be the songwriter, or maybe it's another pseudonym. It's a little on the nose for country music, isn't it? Buckle? Like a big cowboy belt buckle? I dunno, maybe I'm just being paranoid.
What is true is that there's zero information about either Phillip Buckle or "Vitamin A", just a million places you can buy or download tracks. A little more digging and I found the source: Universal Production Music, a source for royalty-free music you can license for film, TV, and apparently, Taco Bell radio. The youtube audio library of real life. It's kinda sad that the only song I found tolerable was the most bland and crassly commercial music that can be made, but I suppose that's country music these days.
I don't want to be a hater, so I'll share a good country song, a Johnny Cash song I was unaware of until recently called One Piece At A Time. It's a "talking country" song about a guy who worked at a General Motors plant smuggling car parts out in his oversized lunchbox. Over 25 years, he brings home everything he needs to build himself a Cadillac. It's a lot of fun. I'm a big fan of stories about salami slicing and other outside-the-box ways to steal back a bit of agency and dignity from the systems that control us. Also, this song is apparently the origin of the term "psychobilly". Neat!
So How Was The Food
Mostly unmemorable and not worth the price. Taco Bell used to be the most dirt-cheap fast food, a bare minimum viable product for the least money you can spend. Now you can't even get a meal at Taco Bell for under 10 bucks. But you know what? For $1, they'll sell you a giant cheez-it. My spouse got one because she had to experience it. It is, in fact, a single cheez-it the size of an MRE cracker. They made it happen. I'm miffed that they gave the Nobel to one of the guys partly responsible for AI slop when we have giant cheez-its now. It's all politics.
Have A Good Weekend
Thanks for reading, everyone. If you enjoyed my Taco Bell radio report and want to help fund more investigative journalism like it, reminder that I've got a ko-fi and a Patreon. Help me do more things I can write about, and I'll write about more things! It's all part of the symbiotic relationship we call "spending".
Question Of The Week
What's one of your favorite or least favorite portmanteaus, and why? Speak up in the comments below or email bluelander@tutanota.com if you want to make your voice heard. I'll see you Monday
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